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Can Your Marriage Survive an Affair? Seven Questions to Ask Yourself
Author: Anne Schooling
It depends on what you mean by 'an affair' - can your marriage survive? If cheating were only limited to a spontaneous and discreet scratching of an itch, if you could just bottle the whole experience and leave it where you never need to see it again, then YES. Only problem is that the itch often becomes a 'rash'!
A generation ago, roles were clearly defined: men were the providers and women were the home-makers and child-rearers. Financial and social dependency and lack of opportunity predisposed us to fidelity. Today, we are independent and fully 'out there' (and don't forget our partners are working with fully out-there women too). There is NOTHING inevitable about fidelity. It becomes a decision we have to make over and over in life. It is important to remember that our emotions are not driven by logic and that it takes bravery and lots of hard work for a marriage to survive an affair.
Here are seven important questions, the answers of which will determine the likelihood of a marriage surviving an affair:
1. Is the one who cheated making excuses for what happened?
2. Does the one who cheated understand the hurt they've caused?
3. Is this an isolated event or a pattern? Is there a pattern of flirting/setting up situations which could lead somewhere?
4. Does "I'm sorry", mean "Sorry I did it", or 'Sorry I got caught"?
5. If they can't understand why it's such a bum thing to have done, you can't begin to rebuild trust. Are they willing to start again and start clean? This means cutting off all contact with that person.
6. Is cheating 'normal' for the one who messed around - something close friends and family have a history of?
7. If your relationship survives this, and it happens again, will you survive a second round of hurt? If not, think very hard about whether to make the effort.
So, is your marriage in trouble? You are not alone - thousands of people worldwide, are experiencing the same problems. Start SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE right now by CLICKING ON THIS LINK and give your marriage the best possible chance of long term success.
Do you think your marriage/relationship could survive an affair?
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/2931148/Can-marriage-EVER-survive-a-partners-affairs.html
your views please.
My marriage didn’t survive my husband’s affair. I had no intention of being treated badly and forgiving him.
How does your marriage survive an affair?
Has anyone been the victem of an affair who’s marriage has survived? If so how do you trust again and what advice can I give a friend who is going through a terrible time at the moment?
I’m going to give you my opinion on this matter since I know first hand. My husband cheated on me nearly five years ago. I had just had our second child, which made it that much worse. I eventually found out, confronted him, and left. We stayed apart for one week, and I stupidly took him back. I chose to let him come back. I chose to forgive him. Now… five years later I realize just how big of a mistake I made. Everytime we have sex, all I can think about is her. Everytime I see her, I am reminded of what they done. Although I told him that I forgave him, I have not. In my heart, I will never completely trust him or love him the way I did before. Now I have two kids that adore their father, and a marriage that I am not happy in. I am here because I was afraid to be alone and a single mother. At one point I had even convinced myself that I was not doing my part as a wife and that is why he cheated. All these years later, I am still dealing with his infidelity, and the hurt,anger, guilt, and trust issues that come along with that. If I had it to do over again, I realize now that I would have ended the marriage. A marriage is never the same after an affair. I can’t speak for your friend, but from personal experience, it’s better to leave with the dignity that you have left and try to move on with your life.
If your marriage survived an affair, how did you do it?
If you are the one who had an affair, or you were the one cheated on, how did your marriage survive? How long has it been and do you think you can ever forget? If you were the cheater, do you still have contact with the other man/woman? Do you still think about the other person? Any answers to these questions or just general thoughts are appreciated.
I was the one who was cheated on. I have never forgot and never will as it always lays in the back of my head. We are still together and I found out about 8.5 years ago and there is and will always be a trust issue. I was cheated on while I was pregnant. Things are better now. People change and neither one of us are the same person we were then. We really grew closer as a couple. But it took some time to be able to deal with it. In time things will be better if you can wait that long.
Ladies, has your husband had an affair; did your marriage survive?
My husband invested two years in a relationship with a client. Supposedly they only became intimate this past May, and it ended in early August. When I attended an out-of-town conference, he took her on a weekend get-away. Then he took her on a two-week business trip. They fought constantly for two weeks, and it ended when they got back. He wasn’t going to tell me about it, but I dragged it out of him. We’ve had counselling, but I’m still in considerable pain. I really love him, but I don’t know if the marriage can survive.
Thank you all for your generous insights. I am getting individual counselling. Your advice and thoughts are deeply appreciated.
Puppy’s right. I do freak out if he’s five minutes late. It’s only been three weeks since I found out about the affair. Don’t know how this will unwind, but I do have a wonderful counsellor and supportive friends to turn to.
Mine was similar, but my marriage didn’t survive.
Here is my story:
When we were married at the 4th year, my husband cheated with his student. He was a medical professor, before I found out, he had been in a relationship with one of his student for about 6 months. I was naively believing him that they only flirted. Her husband who was also my husband’s student divorced her. They were only married for 1 year! My husband swore that he would break with her. We went to couple counseling and he also got individual one.
They probably stopped their “personal” relationship for a few months, but they never stopped the professional relationship. Then they reconnected again, this time, my ex changed to a total different person, he would lie that he needed to work on Sat and late on weekday till 8:30pm, etc. During our marriage counseling, psychiatrist told him that he had to cut her out of his life totally to focus on working on the marriage. But he even cried in front of me and the psychiatrist that he just couldn’t, even professionally. Anyway, they went on behind everybody’s back for 2 years and that woman seriously thought they would be together forever, then she wrote to me and came to my home (I’ve never seen such shameless woman in the world) openly challenging me that any woman would leave her husband when she found out her husband had been sleeping with another woman for 2 years! And she threatened him to recognize her by telling the world that they were a pair!
I’ve always stood by my husband even though it was so hurt and painful. I stored my feelings aside listening to him trying to understand him. We got married because of love, he often crying with guilt saying he still loved me, etc…. Then early this year, I couldn’t bare him always crying in front of me being confused or missing her, I told him to move out. During all this time, we still had the counselings and he had his. 2 months later, he told me firmly that he wanted to change and really break with her, I let him move back. But just 2 months later, on a biz trip that she was not supposed to go, she went, and my ex shut off all the contact (phone, email.etc) being with her for 2 weeks, just days before he came back, he wrote me email that he wanted a divorce.That was in this May. Till now he still didn’t have the balls to tell me in person about the divorce and sit down with me to explain to the kids why he left them.
The funny thing was from May till now, he has been so unstable that sometimes, he would still cry and tell me how much he missed our kids (3.5 and 5) and he still loved me. But I think, the damage is impossible to be mended and I won’t believe he would change again, so right now, we are on our divorce process. Seeing me so firmly, and having that woman with him, he has changed to a cold-hearted person that he now works with his lawyer trying to pay as little spousal support as possible to me…
I don’t mean that your case is helpless, but i just don’t believe that someone cheats for so long time can still change.
Good luck.
How long will it take to figure out if your marriage will survive an affair?
My husband cheated with a co-worker and she still works there. She says that she is going to look for another job and both have told me that it’s ended and their contact is strictly professional. Am I being Naive or do you think I can make my marriage of 27 years work? I have two girls one in college and one a senior in HS. There is just so much going on in my head right now and I can’t think logically because of the pain. Please help! I don’t know if I can get past it but I’ve known now for over a month and I feel like I should have a direction to go in by now.
First, I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you and your family.
One thing you said is that you can’t think straight because of the pain. I’ve been in your position, so I know it’s hard not to know what your life is going to look like in a month, let alone a year. Take your time and feel it out. The pain and confusion you feel is debilitating. I know. I highly suggest counseling with a therapist who sees you and your husband alone and together. If he’s serious about working things out with you, he’ll do it. Don’t make any decisions that you are not ready to make. He should allow you as much time and space as you need to figure things out. How can you know what to do when it seems like your entire life and everything you thought about your life is falling apart?
The only way you will know for sure is with time and some very candid conversations with your husband about why he had an affair and what was going on in your own marriage. Also, it is imperative that he quits his job, if possible, and finds a new one. There is no way you can begin the healing process if you are suspicious of them being at work together. She says she’ll find a new job…. not good enough. Put the pressure on your husband to get out of there. She doesn’t owe you anything. He owes you his life and some action.